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DOGS INVADE THE WORKPLACE. HEY! WHO PEED ON THE WATER COOLER?

BRINGING FIDO TO THE OFFICE A WELL MEANING BUT POORLY THOUGHT OUT IDEA, WILLIAM THOMAS WRITES

WILLIAM THOMAS Column For a comment or a signed copy of humour columnist William Thomas's "The Legend of Zippy Chippy," email: williamjthomas@gmail.com. Please donate to UNHCR Canada. www.unhcr.ca/

When people were saying "We're all in this together" during the two-year pandemic, I think they must have been referring to themselves and their pets. A staggering 10 per cent of Canadians adopted pets between June 2020 and June 2021.

Now, desperate for employees, corporations are offering better wages, enhanced benefits and permission to bring your pet to work. So far, it's mostly dogs.

Demanding their own nap room and not getting it, the Cat Union of Canada turned the offer down. Also, that long separation that causes anxiety between owners and their dogs is known as "quality time" in the world of cats.

Companies adopting petfriendly workplaces believe it's comforting for the employees and therefore more productive in the long run. How far are the bosses willing to go to keep everybody in line at work? I mean everybody's all right with a Doggie Daycare in the office basement but not if it's run by Gerda, a surly German shepherd with anger issues and a plan to be CEO someday.

Like all things that seem good on paper — and yeah, there better be lots of that for the puppies — I'm not sure they've thought this thing through.

Suddenly refitting your open-concept office layout into an indoor dog park is bound to cause some problems. Dog hair on the couch in reception is easily disposed with but playing fetch with "The World's Best Boss" mug will definitely get your dog exiled to the great outdoors. Fleas are controllable but Milk Bone crumbs on the table in the boardroom is not a good look for visitors.

Jake The Border Collie will be the social hit of the new petfriendly workplace but at noon when he herds the entire workforce into the lunchroom, then you've got a problem.

"Sorry boss, but it looks like we lost the Landsdown account."

"What!?!"

"Just as I was telling their marketing manager the total cost of our package, Gail's wiener dog started barking his ass off. I thought he said 'great deal' so I thanked him and hung up. Turns out what he said was 'get real!' and now he's not taking my calls." That's when the "Three barks and you're out!" rule gets posted on the bulletin board.

Bottom line? After everybody is done texting and tweeting those adorable photos of their dogs investigating their new workday digs, it'll be time to get in the car and go home.

Just as your dog went from the cage in the kitchen to sharing your pillow at the head of your bed, Workplace Waldo will likely go from that adorable Labradoodle in accounting to casting the deciding vote for a four-day workweek because he misses chasing the postie down the street on Friday afternoons.

Also, there's the question of which workplaces will accept dogs in their midst.

Your average company of offices can adapt to dogs running around, but what if you're an airline pilot? "This is your captain speaking. So sorry about the flying food and spilled drinks. My Shih Tzu Poopy here got spooked by a passing cloud and jumped onto the dive stick. He's fine, no need to worry."

Hospital workers can forget about bringing their pets to work, but an oncologist with a cancer-sniffing cat might work out quite well.

Sorry, but as great an idea as it might sound, dogs invading the workplace will take some getting used to.

"Ah Bob, if anybody asks,

I've gone to see the company nurse. I'm dizzy and feeling nauseous."

"You must have missed the memo — they replaced the nurse with a vet."

"Well don't we have a first aid kit somewhere?"

"They replaced that with a toy box."

And just like yelling "Fire" in a crowded theatre is illegal, the first person who shouts "Jawanna go for a walk?" in a pet-friendly office should be fired on the spot. Yes, the same spot that defied both elbow grease and an entire can of OxiClean.

And let's hope the dog's work ethic does not rub off on the employees. "If you can't eat it or play with it, then just pee on it and walk away." That's fine for Sparky, not so good for Sid in shipping.

You'll know when the whole thing has gone south when you get the missive from Human Resources: "Unfortunately we can no longer tolerate the drooling, the flatulence and the disruptive atmosphere in and around your workspace. Pack up your personal items and leave the premises immediately. But, Larry, if that cute little dog of yours wants to stay, that's fine with the rest of us."

OPINION

en-ca

2022-06-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-06-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://communitynews.pressreader.com/article/281539409634677

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