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SWOOP, FLAIR, DROOP AND DARE - THE HIGH-FLYING COMEDY OF DISCOUNT AIRLINES

IT'S NOT THE FARE, IT'S THE EXTRAS THAT'LL GET YOU, WILLIAM THOMAS WRITES

Column For a comment or a signed copy of any of humour columnist William Thomas's books, email williamjthomas@gmail.com.

My new motto: Avoid Pearson/Will Travel.

So driving to Hamilton Airport, I'm thinking, is Swoop really the best name that WestJet could come up with for their discount affiliate? I mean was Droop already taken? Can you imagine all the WestJet executives sitting around the boardroom in Calgary with a rhyming dictionary? "Not sold on Swoop?" "Then Group?" "No, Dupe?" "Bad; Group?" "How about Zoom?" "Already taken ... Doom?" "Terrible; Tomb?" Big laughs all around the table. I wished I'd been there. I'd have won the meeting with "Vrrroom! Vrroom."

In the stupid-names-forairlines department, Ransom Airlines should win an award. My personal favourites are GullivAir and Wizz Air.

So tripping over the silly names of discount airlines, I arrive at Hamilton Airport very late for my flight because as far as I could see, there's only one single sign for the Hamilton Airport and it's pointing the wrong way. Honest.

Finally, bursting into Departures,

I stop the first person in uniform with: "Please, I'm late. Where's Zoom Airlines?!"

"Zoom? Zoom flies out of Pearson. You're at the wrong airport."

"I ... have to go to ..." I sounded like a man who had been fully prepared to check into the Niagara Regional Detention Centre and was being told by the guard at the gate he was being transferred to Kingston Penitentiary ... "I have to go to Pearson?!"

"Where are you flying to?" "Montego Bay." "Did you mean Swoop?" " What did I say?" "Zoom." Good gawd! "Swoop's right over there. Hurry!"

Who's angrier? The passengers on the Swoop flight to New Brunswick who, after the pilot didn't like the weather, were flown straight back to Hamilton? Or the passengers who were stranded in Montego Bay because when Swoop's not late, it's a no-show! I learned all this too late.

On my flight, Swoop's Boeing 737 is so lacking in space, two people cannot pass each other in the aisle. On a flight I took to California with Air Canada's Rouge, larger people could not fit in the washrooms. Yesterday, Flair Airlines had four of its planes seized for missed lease payments. Discount carriers are all the same — underfunded and over-ambitious — it's like they all got into the airline business last week and now they're trying to figure out how it works.

For return airfare from Hamilton to Montego Bay, Jamaica, including a $50 fee for extra legroom (what you gain at your feet, you lose at your chest!) Swoop charged me a total of $492.21.

Here's the breakdown: adult base fare, $144.01 This must be the ticket price. Or a dirty movie charge.

Air Passenger Protection Regulation Surcharge, $5.90. That's to keep you safe from the anti-vaxxer with the "F--Trudeau" T-shirt.

One checked bag, $50. They're all doing it now. Air Canada charges $80. Given Air Canada's history, instead of charging you extra for luggage, they'd make a lot more money charging you to find it.

Seats x 2, $90. I already paid the fare. Now the seats are extra?!

Airport Improvement Fee (AIF), $25.00. They are seriously thinking about putting up a "Hamilton Airport" sign. The arrow will be extra.

Harmonized sales tax (HST). The root of all evil.

Air Travellers Security Charge, $25.91. This is to pay the security guard who prevents you from getting off the plane once you realize your seat is a lot smaller than you are.

Tourism Enhancement for Jamaica, $24.80. I'm all for it!

Passenger Aviation Service Charge, $9.92. Funding for the Wright Brothers statue — "Men Of The Future."

Airport Improvement Fee Jamaica, $6.20. Putty to fill in the holes in the walls.

Passenger Facility Charge, $3.72 Cost to use the facilities, which I did not, so I'll be asking for a refund on this one.

Travel Tax Jamaica, $43.40. Entirely bogus because in Jamaica, travellers would not dare venture off the property without a Wagner-style mercenary outfit.

So if you deduct all the confusing and unwarranted additions and taxes, Swoop flew me from Hamilton to Montego Bay for $72 each way. Which might explain why WestJet Airlines lost $20.8 million in just one annual quarter before the pandemic. Plus, now I feel guilty because I didn't offer to chip in for gas. So the bottom line is, I'm not actually paying Swoop to fly me from Hamilton to Montego Bay, I'm paying a bunch of tax-grabbing governments and poorly signed airports to get me there! I'm not flying Swoop; I'm flying ExcessAirFare.

A three-hour delay going and a three-and-a-half-hour delay returning, Swoop is now dealing with a recurring medical issue among regular passengers. Many of them faint straight away when they find out their flight is on time.

OPINION

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2023-03-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-23T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://communitynews.pressreader.com/article/281543705170673

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