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IF WE DO NOT HIT THE 'WALL OF WEIRDNESS' SOON, THEN WE MUST BUILD ONE

TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH CULTURE EXHAUSTING AND BAFFLING, WILLIAM THOMAS WRITES

WILLIAM THOMAS Column

I try, I really do try, to keep up with what's going on in the arts world now that it's been taken over by three generations younger than Baby Boomers. I understand that art, films and music have moved on from Vincent Van Gogh, "Casablanca" and the Beatles. I try to keep an open mind and I read all I can on current culture.

This morning while scanning new album releases, I came across the band Destroyer led by singer and songwriter Dan Bejar.

Highly anticipated and sure to be a big hit, his album is titled "Labryrithitis." Quote: "Named after an ear inflammation disorder that causes vertigo and hearing loss." And with that I wondered, will we eventually hit the wall of weirdness or is it like outer space and the concept of endless infinity!? Seriously, can the album "Super Spastic Colon" by the band The Irritable Bowel Busters be next to hit the Billboard charts?

In short order, Jennifer Grey, that feisty young actress with the beautiful aquiline nose who was Patrick Swayze's partner in "Dirty Dancing," is now 62 years old, has written her memoir, regrets earlier plastic surgery and now wants her original nose back. Sorry, no, but if it's any consolation, can you imagine how John Wayne Bobbitt feels?

Fake meat is now more expensive than real meat and the world's rejection of Russian oil will see the energy gap filled by ... coal. A side effect of global warming that nobody saw coming is surfacing at Lake Meade, Las Vegas where the water level has dropped so low, barrels containing the bodies of mobsters are popping up.

Who knew that the Alberta tarsands would be responsible for finding Jimmy Hoffa?

In the midst of all this, Vladimir Putin, in retaliation for Canada's steadfast support of Ukraine, targeted 61 Canadians, from politicians to journalists, as persona non grata, thus barring them from entering Russia for any reason whatsoever.

What a shame that is because there are 61 Canadians who will not be able to attend the Annual Dog Drowning Festival in Russia's Turgenev River and double their fun at the World Cow Chip Throwing contest in Krylova where the turds must be tossed with bare hands.

In The States, la crème de la crime de jour was the "White on White" escapade in which Vicki, a guard at the Lauderdale County Detention Center, illegally eloped with Casey, a murderous inmate, and led U.S. Marshalls on an 11-day chase.

Not all that hard to spot, Casey White is six feet nine inches tall, has ears like a pair of open car doors and a virtual gallery of white supremacist tattoos all over his gangly body.

As if that was not enough to make him stand out in a crowd, Casey White had — if there is no finite wall of weirdness do you think we could get Donald Trump to build us one? — a tattoo of two eyeballs inked into the back of his head.

That would explain why, after eluding police forces across three states, one cop finally turned to his partner and said, "Man, it's like this guy has eyes in the back of his head!"

Before Casey White was apprehended, citizens of those states were warned that the felon was armed, dangerous and that no attempt should be made to apprehend him. Also, if you find yourself walking behind him in say Walmart, do not make eye contact.

And finally, Fox News' Tucker Carlson, who really could be an award-winning actor for his ability to not break out laughing at the nonsense he presents as real news, has an interesting preoccupation. Deftly moving from disguised racism to gender damnation, Carlson recently ended his socalled "documentary," "The End Of Men," by suggesting his male viewers raise their testosterone levels by undergoing "testicle tanning." And you thought bald guys looked great with a nice bronze sheen?

Now I'm still trying to get my head around Gwyneth Paltrow's 'Jade Eggs' vagina maintenance, so shining a beam of sunlight in that area where the sun traditionally never shines has me more nervous than Chris Rock emceeing a Will Smith roast.

What with testicular cancer a serious threat to men and the sun being the leading cause of skin cancer, Carlson's prediction of The End Of Men could well prove self-fulfilling.

However, Carlson's claim should not be dismissed out of hand. Any man with his head so far up his emergency exit at least has a first-hand look at the situation and is entitled to his opinion.

For a comment or a signed copy of humour columnist William Thomas's The Legend of Zippy Chippy, email: williamjthomas@gmail.com. Please donate to UNHCR Canada. www.unhcr.ca/

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OPINION

en-ca

2022-05-19T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-05-19T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://communitynews.pressreader.com/article/281556589433903

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